Single at 30? Why UAE residents put marriage on hold

Eight years ago, Manjari Sahni shocked her relatively conservative community by opting for a transfer to Singapore with a hospitality chain to gain some international exposure in her career.

She was 27 and single.

Today, she thrives in her career as an independent consultant, but her single status still jars with some members in her family. But the now 35-year-old doesn’t let it bother her any more.

“Why are men still called bachelors in their 30s, while women spinsters?” she asked, as Emirates 24|7 quizzed her. “Somehow, the common perception is, if you are single, over 30 and a woman, you have missed the marriage boat.”

However, Sahni isn’t alone in her social dilemma.

Casper Gellar, who works in digital marketing, is 34 and “living the good life” he says.

An “almost marriage” later, the UK lad decided to use his independence to further his career prospects and hopped over to Dubai five years ago, when a job beckoned.

He says: “It’s not that I am opposed to the institution of marriage; it’s just that I haven’t found someone. But every time I mention it to the wives of some my lads, they look at me as if my dog just died.”

However, singlehood, it seems, is not exclusive to any nationality or section of society.

Last year, the UAE planning ministry statistics indicated that even amongst Emiratis, the age to get married was being pushed further and further, especially amongst women.

In 2012, statistics indicated 60 per cent of women remained unmarried over the age of 30 amongst Emiratis; in 1995, that figure was on 20 per cent.   

Is life is too expensive to support a partner?

According to a survey conducted by the UAE Marriage Fund last year, there is evidence that the rising cost of living, coupled with premium dowries, is simply too much of a burden for those men just starting out in their careers.

The survey indicated that 87 per cent of respondents blamed high dowries for low marriage rates among Emiratis.

To address the rising costs of marriage, a Dh50,000 cap was introduced as the highest specified limit in accordance with the directives by His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice-President and Prime Minister of the UAE and Ruler of Dubai, on the specification of the dowries after the excessive amounts demanded had become an obstacle for marriage amongst young people.

The government also regularly organises mass weddings to assist young couples financially, with the most recent being this week, when the Dubai Electricity and Water Authority (Dewa) held its sixth such ceremony of 39 employee grooms and brides at Za’beel Park.

Matar Humaid Al Tayer, Chairman of DEWA, was quoted as saying: “…Through this ceremony, we aim to support our male and female employees by reducing wedding expenses.

“This initiative will reduce the need for our staff to apply for banks loan, so they will not be required to make the monthly payments for them. This will enable our staff to be debt free when starting a family.”

In the past six years, Dewa initiated mass weddings alone have helped 246 grooms and brides to complete their wedding ceremony by reducing its associated expenses.

For those in the expat community, the rising cost of living still poses a problem.

American national Charles Smolski, who is 30, says: “The first 10 years out of university saw me struggle to pay off my college loans. Even though I dated, funding an entire wedding and the responsibilities that come with it was not something I could shoulder until I was at least middle level in my career.”

The professor is getting married later this year, he says. 

Career moves

Is a thriving career also hazardous to marriage? Some certainly seem to think so.

In 2011, a Pew Research Study on careers and marriage in the US indicated that four in 10 Americans believe marriage is becoming obsolete in face of a career drive.

Break this research further and it becomes gender specific.

The story is a similar one on these shores.

News agency AFP reported on a survey of 200 medical students at the UAE University last year that showed 57 per cent of respondents believed a desire to pursue a career was one of the main reasons why UAE women were not marrying before 30.

The students, however, said they would not classify a woman as an “old maid” until she is 32. 

Several expat women, though, face another conundrum when perception becomes, career and independence go hand-in-hand when you hit the 30s.

Advertising professional Aanchal Sethi tends to agree. The 31-year-old explains further: “I think we do intimidate men on most levels.

“For example, my parents have tried to get a match for me, but as soon as these men check my social networking profile and see I travel alone, have opinions and am not afraid to speak my mind, they run away.

“Also, after a certain age when one has lived independently and achieved high levels of success personally it is difficult to compromise on a certain way of life, this intimidates most men (especially Indian men) because deep down they are afraid to have an equal standing partner.”

But Sethi also admits, the older you get the more difficult it is to find a match.

“Most eligible men have already been taken or taken and divorced. One doesn’t want to be with a man who has baggage,” she explains. “It is hard to find a man who is comfortable with a woman’s success, her independence and allows her to grow without being threatened. 

Environmentally challenged

Several men and women concurred that the UAE is a difficult place to meet a life partner sometimes, especially as you get older.

Greg Damon, who works in PR in Dubai, says: “The UAE is such a transient society, with relationships just as fleeting. I moved here three years ago and found it very difficult to make friends.

“If it wasn’t for my work, the only social interaction I had was meeting people at nighspots, but if you are a single male, chances of getting into a club are slim.”

Sethi adds: “Dubai is a stop gap city for most people. They come here to make quick tax free income, live the good life and go back. With such a mindset, everything is a stop–gap: relationships, friendships, and jobs.

“It is very difficult to meet new people in Dubai especially if you move from another country. People here prefer ‘exclusive’ groups and are not open to welcoming people in a social circle.

“This is different in other parts of the world like Europe, the US and even India. People in these countries are more welcoming, open to talk to strangers without judging or putting conditions of the future to simple getting to know new people.”

So is marriage off the table for some?

“I’ve had an interesting conversation with a friend who said – ‘isn’t there enough stress in life that I need a husband to add to it? I’m better off alone’,” she added.

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